Chapter One - What Does "tired" Mean?

This question bugged me a lot in the early days, was I just a bit tired or was I exhusted from using all the energy I had to get through the day? Why was I utterly shattered, despite getting 8 hours or more sleep? Was it because I was doing far too much, working too hard, playing too hard? Not at all, in fact around that time at work, during a restructuring process, I had very little work to actually do; I used up my remaining holiday to book a massage for myself and had a little adventure close to home, I was far from depressed, but I was bloody shattered.

Depression, Chronic Fatigue or Just "Bone Idle"
My journey began with being told I was depressed, but this just didn't seem right to me, I pushed for blood tests that weren't going to be run, and was told I just needed an iron boost and some Prozac or Seroxat to see me through. I answered a questionnaire where the only conclusion from it was going to be that I was depressed. If I wasn't depressed then, I soon would be, because of how many silly things were said to me and about me, well that's how it began.

I had very little energy after that bout of illness during that Christmas, the Summer before that, I had rode my mountain bike 100 miles up and down the canals that I'm blessed to live by. Rather than driving to my parents, a trip of about six miles, I'd happily jump on the bike and drop by my nans house on the way back. All of a sudden even looking at the bike horrified me, I'd ride it out and give up because I hadn't got the energy to do it. I couldn't have been physically unfit, I had dizzy spells and funny turns after even light exercise.

Tired is the Wrong Word
I knew that even though I wanted to go to a concert after work, I wanted to ride my bike after work, I wanted to hang out with my friends after work, I just couldn't muster up the energy. I managed to keep going at work for a while, but even that part of my life was soon being affected, within about four months after that Christmas my world was slipping horrifically out of my control. My weight was gaining! I was told I was tired because I needed to do more exercise, because I wasn't tired enough and needed to wear myself out; that excercise would be the solution to both my fatigue and weight gain, the Endorphins would rush around my body and I'd be all sorted.

Was It All In My Head? Absolutly!
Turns out Endorphins are produced by the Hypothalamus/Pituitary in the brain, which also regulates sleep and thyroid function. Well looking back on this now, if there is something wrong with that part of my brain, there aint no Endorphins coming out of it to save the day that's for sure. Something was up with my forehead too, I've never really had spots; suddenly not only had I spots, but flakey skin and this went for my hands too, I took moisturiser to work with me because my skin was becoming painful and this was before summer sunshine.

None the less, I was told I probably had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and that more detailed blood tests were needed before we ruled in or out involvement of the Thyroid, but a basis of continuing investigations would be CFS/ME and that graded excersise mainly of swimming about 10 lengths a day and increasing this would get me on the road to recovery. So I was being asked to swim 50 lengths a week to start with and gradually increase this to what 200. If I asked you to swimm 200 lengths a week, you'd tell me where to stick it, right? I hope you would, but I agreed to do as much as I could and as I really enjoy swimming, I've managed to stick with it.

You Just Need To Stop Being Lazy!
I recall booking days off work to sleep, I collapsed into bed after work, well ontop of the bed, not even changed out of my work clothes and I'd be there for an hour or more asleep. Then I'd get up, cook some food; at that point ready meals were the fastest option, go back to bed and struggle to get up for work the next morning. It's still a mircale I've not had a car crash, though there have been some near misses. What was happening? This wan't just tired and it wasn't some of the time, it was nearly all of the time, my life was becoming a haze.

I made plans on the days I seemed full of energy, and called them off the next day because that energy wasn't there. Some days were a real struggle to get going and keep momentum. On those days too when I had managed to rev myself up, I couldn't calm myself back down on a night; Like a car with useless brakes and a sensitive accelerator. I managed to avoid energy drinks, but I did have a lust for Caffeine, yet strangely the day after I had avoided stimulation, I felt amazingly good!

Thyroids Were Never Mentioned
The next chapter will be about my diagnosis of Hypothyroidisim, TSH blood tests, ruling out Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and I'll touch more on the speculation of what could have been wrong with me; which saw questions thrown at me such as "are you on drugs", "do you wear condoms", "do you have a problem with alchol", "are you a bit down because you don't have a girlfriend and are a bit lonely right now"? HA! In fact leaving me alone is the best thing anyone could have done, but people kept prodding. I was now a mystery, I was a problem that couldn't be solved and that started to annoy people and the well versed "blame the victim" began to come out in earnest.

To Be Continued - Damm You Thyroid!
It was a stroke of luck, and being in the right place at the right time, with the right person, who spotted that my TSH level was 20 (and rising), a few months previous to that it had been a fantastic but still high, 1.9, and so the battle was on to bring this level down. I was told my thyroid was bassically on the way out, it was failing and we needed to replace the hormone it could no longer produce, later it would turn out that my own body was destroying my thyroid and that the organ is essential in keeping ALL body functions in check, great, I was slowly falling apart!

I was utterly shattered at that point and went on sick leave for 3 months, while I figured this shit out.